'Ello my loves! It's been almost two months since I've posted anything - not for the lack of trying - so I have decided to sit down and finally update everyone (at once) on what's been going on in my little world.

As pretty much everyone knows by now, Evil and I split up after 13 months of being together. It crushed me, no lie. Because you all know how much I wanted to be back in Vegas with him and redeem myself and all the awkward moments with his family/our friends that happened the first time around. I honestly had my mind set on being with him for the rest of my life - cause that's how much I loved him, I didn't want to give up. But I knew if I fought him on it any longer it would get worse for the both of us. I choked back every ounce of pride I had after he told me "I think we just need time for ourselves right now," and I stepped back. I had already suspected he'd moved on, and the very next day after our conversation on needing space - I come home to find it plastered on Facebook. (I asked, he said he didn't have anyone) It was like salt added to an open wound. I flipped out on him - and he retracted and told me to stay away because he didn't want "my" drama. So I did just that. I backed off again, and sure enough a week later he tells me he would send me the $50 I sent him a few months ago. Then proceeds to say he misses me. 

By mid-July I was still waiting for him to come back, but decided to try and make some new friends. I re-created my old account on OkCupid and got a few messages within days. The first one I hit it off with was Cecil. He seemed really nice, so we chose to hang out and go bowling. Even with Amy there, I was still nervous and couldn't really say much to him. We didn't really open up until the last little bit of time. I wanted to hang out with him again, but to be honest I kinda felt I couldn't be myself. I didn't want to disrespect him in any kind of way - considering his beliefs. Haven't really talked to him since - but it was cool while it "lasted" I suppose. After I hung with him I got a message from Evil that said he was thinking about coming back to me. I told him that he either was or he wasn't. No gray areas - and he said he didn't see a reason why we should be together. (So why say it? DUH!) The next person was Will - a metal head from my town. He's a techie for a few local bands, and has connections to Peabody's (in Cleveland) and to Mushroomhead. (Exchanged numbers with Waylon - lucky lil shit lmao) I hadn't heard from him for a while - and I had gotten another message. This time from a Juggalo. When I saw that the site said 26% match and 66% enemy I was like wtf? But I still was nice and replied.

Little did I know, Will had actually told him about me. They have been friends for years, even have a band together. When Jack finally told me his name, and the story behind finding me, I was pretty shocked. We messaged for a few days, and then finally decided to hang out. That Tuesday, we met up at the park a block away from my house, and talked for a few minutes before heading over to David B's - a bar downtown. Spent a couple hours there - then we went to his place and watched The Crazies, since we both wanted to see it. (I don't recommend it - kinda sucked in my opinion) I couldn't believe how much we actually ended up having in common - we talked about EVERYTHING. The past, the present, life in general. Even the usual "first date no-no topics" were brought up. Neither one of us were apprehensive about spilling secrets of our dark pasts. When I went home that night - I was the happiest I've been in a while. First person outside of Amy, family and people here that actually accepted me for ME.

The next day, I get a Facebook request from his sister, who had shown up at the bar the previous night. While I was talking to Jack on the phone, his sister tells me she's heading to Canton to a 80s cover band concert. She tells me that Jack and I should go. He mentioned thinking about asking me - but didn't want to seem pushy - since we both agreed we wanted to take things slow. But I was like 'No, it's okay. As long as I get out of the house, and it was fun hanging with you yesterday. I don't mind." So within 20 minutes, he's at my house and we're off to meet his sister and a couple other people. I was nervous - he and his sister are naturally protective of each other and I was waiting to get the third degree and play 20 questions. Lol. But it was really nice. We spent 4 hours there - and then came back to my house to watch Dance Flick. My mom was asleep when I went to get the movie - so I didn't wake her up to tell her he was there. Half way through the movie - she opens my door and I froze up. We weren't doing anything - but I wasn't expecting her to get up lmao. I couldn't even introduce them I was so scared she was gonna flip. Good thing, she didn't. Wednesday night he said the sweetest thing ever. "You make me feel like there's hope for a second chance."

Jack and I talked the next day for almost 2 hours - and found out we both wanted to kiss each other Wednesday night. It was insane. How the hell could we both be thinking/feeling the same thing? Again he mentioned not wanting to rush things and scare me off. I told him that I liked him and felt comfortable enough that if he asked me right then I'd date him. Within 2 minutes we made it official that we were a couple, and he came to see me before work. Did it happen fast? Yes. But I have never had so much in common with someone - and had someone understand me the way he does. There's a lot of trust already established - which is hard these days. I've found a light within the darkness that's been the last 8 months since I came home from Nevada. When I'm with him, I don't think of what could have been, I think of what is. 

Do I miss Evil? Yeah I still do - a lot. I know that part of me is still in love with him - that will never change - I can't lie. But I can't sit here forever waiting for something that could or could not happen again. I can't keep torturing myself and wondering 'what if.' I've already gone through enough with flipping emotions and battling inner demons, and my relapse last month. Jack knows about my illnesses - and doesn't judge me. I haven't been this respected in a while, not since Danny. I feel nothing but good when I'm with him. I feel like it could - and I hope it does - last a long time. We never get bored of one another - and find a way to make time to get together - even if for 5 minutes. I'm the happiest I've been in a long time - and I'm holding onto it with both hands. I'm living for me, enjoying every moment spent with people, and looking forward. Something I never thought would happen again. There's always hope, remember that. Even when it seems like there's nothing left. Thanks for reading - keep it Wicked.

Much love,

Mica

I've been wanting to write a blog on here for about a week now. But every time I start it, I end up not knowing how to finish - or I lose my focus and I can't. The last 2 1/2 - 3 weeks have been really insane. I have two very big and hella important decisions to make about my life - Both hard, hurtful in one way or another, and will change a lot. This is pretty much to update you, and get some feedback on it.

Everyone knows about my relationship with Evil - it's no secret how I feel about him. It's been almost thirteen months since I started dating him, and six since I've seen him in person. God knows how bad I miss him, and what I would/wouldn't do to be with him again right at this moment. It hurts more than I thought, or ever expected it would. I wish that the plans we had made would have went through - but unfortunately time and situations prevented it. Do I blame anyone for it (besides myself for losing motivation), no. To be honest - I wish I would have stayed. I wish that I could have skipped this entire ordeal. Nothing against my family or the one friend I do have around here - but I'm 21 and I need to really live my own life. I can't do that with people always trying to hold me back. I feel so angry and so bitter lately. I lash out and I'm consumed with thoughts that aren't helping my situation. So how is it a problem right now? Well - the entire weekend, I've really been wondering about whether to move. I know I want to - and I know if given the chance at this second I'd leave if I could. It's not really about me. It's more about him. I know he has his family, his friends, his job, and his entire life. I don't wanna move down there thinking that I'm gonna ruin anything - or that I'll be in the way. I don't wanna go and create a situation that he won't be happy with. I don't wanna move and possibly end up hurt and stuck. Sometimes I wonder if I'm in a way forcing him to be with me and maybe creating more problems. Hell I don't know anymore. The only thing I know is... I have never wanted something so badly before. I have never felt like this. People ask me "Why?" all the time. Because I love him. Because I'm IN love with him. There are days where we piss each other off like no other. There's days where we hurt each other - realizing it or not. There are days where we just want our own space. There are times when I wonder why I can't just walk away. He has my heart. If it wants it or not he has it - and I can't get it back. Not after all this time. Not after I've invested this much. I don't know what to do, and it's driving me crazy && breaking my heart in the process. 

The second thing I've been really thinking about - is the panic/anxiety attacks, and the mental breakdowns I've had. There's been five different ones since May 28th. It went from the usual - shaking, throwing up, unable to breathe, and pacing; to lashing out and harming myself. The last time I had one where I harmed myself, I was literally beating myself in the head with my fist - screaming about things that have been building for a while. I had another one like in the 4 AM blog I wrote a while back, where I was sitting in the corner rocking back and forth. Only this time - repeating sentences over and over like a broken record. I feel like I'm officially falling apart. And it's a combination of everything that's going on. There's a lot of urges to resort back to my old ways of cutting - but so far I've strayed from it. I'm worried though - that if it gets worse - it will happen. More than it used to when I was at that rock bottom point. (I would take blades to school and do it in class - and even in front of people) I'm worried that I might attack someone close to me - or even someone random. I'm not a violent person - honestly - confrontation is one thing I absolutely hate. The last thing I want is to hurt someone - physically, emotionally, mentally, whatever. So I've been considering going to a hospital if I have another episode. At least for a while. I hate the idea - cause I won't be able to communicate like normal - and I'll be forced to really deal with things while being in a somewhat isolated situation. It sucks. Cause I don't wanna be a liability to myself - or anyone else. And that's what I feel like right now.

I've kinda been staying away the last week or so - and I know that. Some of you have called me, checked up on me, and I really thank you for that. Some of you have been talking to me about things - and I've also been giving advice and listening like I normally would. My whole thing is now wanting anyone to worry. I wish I lived closer to people in here. Cause these are those times where virtual hugs (while still greatly accepted and appreciated) just don't do the justice of having a real one. Ah well, I should get back to it. Thanks for listening, again. And don't worry, the Wicked one will be okay. Somehow, some way, some day.

Much love,

Mica

The last week or so, I know I haven't been myself.

Barely saying anything, or I'm walking off/hiding my face.

Truth is, half the time I'm bawling my eyes out and I don't want any of you to see me like that.

Things have gotten beyond frustrating, saddening, and stressful.

My mom and I are fighting almost everyday.

She's like obsessed with this guy from Nigeria.... and I can't say anything about it.

I've talked to him ONCE... and he had the nerve to call me daughter.

On top of that, the old feelings I had when I came home are resurfacing.

The 28th is my one year anniversary with Evil.

My plans to move there have changed quite a few times in the last 5 months.

Honestly, at this point I don't care HOW I get there, as long as I do.

It's eating away at me how bad I miss him, and the family, and our friends.

When I talk to them, they always ask when I'm coming back.

It breaks my heart, because I never could give a real answer. Just said "Soon."

I could hide it before, because I had distractions, and things to help me.

But I've lost control of the anger, sadness and bitterness that festered the day I left him.

My family doesn't listen to me, nor do they really care.

So the only ones I really have are the online friends that I've made here.

Seriously, you guys are so amazing.

I thank you from the bottom of my heart for the support you've given me.

I've talked to a couple of you about it in depth over the last couple of days.

{{Ash, Kath && Manda -- thanks for listening to me complain lol}}

The six weeks I was there, was the most alive I've felt in years.

I grew as a person... and I accomplished things I never thought I could.

-Without medication-

I miss him more than I could ever say in words.

I want nothing more than to just hold him (right now) and feel like everything is okay.

I want to wake up to the sight/smell/feel of him. It made me believe I had a purpose.

I left the best part of me in Nevada, and I need it to feel complete again.

I want to apologize for the way it's been.

I hate spilling my heart in front of everyone, and showing the wrong emotions.

Eventually I'll be the Mica everyone knows and loves,

Just need a little time, patience, and a hell of a lot of love.

I love you all..

Keep it Leet.

Keep it Wicked.

-Mica-

Hope. 

We hold it so dearly,

cradling it like a child,

Never wanting to let go,

because it's a life-line form.

Hope.

Turns minds into zombie mode,

transforming thoughts,

making what seems so impossible,

change into 'it will happen.'

Hope.

Paralyzes when misused.

Changing directives,

sending emotions into overdrive,

and never letting up.

Hope.

It hurts.

It's euphoric.

It kills at times,

but...

Hope.

is all I have. 

Alrighty, so...

Here's kinda the run down on the concert, and some other things...

Amy picked me up around 4:30 or so,

and we managed to go grab a bite to eat at McDonalds before we met up with her boyfriend Aaron.

Once we got to the visitor parking where his apartment was, he's not even ready.

He gives us directions, and we make our way over to the student center to find where it is.

-We got semi lost, but thankfully have good ears lol!-

We're walking around, and see all the booths for like the Army, free prizes, etc.

There's even an inflatable rock climbing thing from Six Flags. (She wanted to, I didn't)

The first band was a little odd, I don't remember their name.

2nd one was called I Fight Dragons, they were pretty sweet.

(Used old Nintendo controllers for their special voice effects :D)

During this time, Amy was asking Aaron if he was still coming,

basically because we wanted to make sure. He flipped out.

So we're both kind of upset, but he shows up right after Travie McCoy comes on.

Right away, he's having a complete bitch fit. I didn't wanna hear it.

Before 3OH!3 starts their set, he randomly asks "What do you think about immigration?"

I'm like "Well, might as well let them in. They'll come anyhow."

He starts an entire debate with me, and when Amy mentioned Evil, he was grilling me.

Like, who the hell are you!??!?! I was heated, and I squashed the conversation.

I texted Evil after that, and about cried, I seriously wanted to just leave.

(Not to mention I've been hella missin the boy lately)

Then Amy wants to go to the restroom,

I figured I'd stay and keep our place, since we couldn't half see at the moment anyhow.

Aaron, still in smartass mode goes "If you're not here, I get to punch you."

In the middle of my texting, I stare at him and say

"You punch me, we WILL have problems. Don't try me."

He mumbles something about thinking it's a fair deal. I ignore him,

then mention to Amy that I'm missing Evil and anxious to leave for Vegas...

Once 3OH!3 starts, I'm focused more on the concert, and getting pictures.

They're all over each other, and I'm feeling the 'third wheel' awkwardness.

The set was pretty awesome, they opened with "Starstrukk."

-Will have pics up on Facebook/Myspace soon!-

Then we finally went to the student center so Amy could do what she needed to do.

Aaron's talking to some of his roommates, and I'm standing there like 'whatever.'

Then he wants food, I'm kinda antsy to get back to the concert area.

Amy asks, I just reply with 'You lead, I follow,' and we go to the cafeteria area.

When we finally get to the grounds, they're still setting up, and we're takin a couple pictures.

I did the "R" for rebel (Pumas thing) with my hands in a few of them,

and naturally, he had to pipe up about it.

During Cobra Starship's set,

he completely pisses Amy off, in turn turning my annoyance into rage.

However, instead of starting drama with him (being the bigger person),

I simply rub Amy on the back and give her a 'it will be okay' look.

We left to catch the bus before they came out to do "Good Girls Go Bad" for an encore.

Then it was off to Wal Mart for Amy and I

for last minute shopping, as usual.

The concert itself was pretty badass.

I just wish I could have skipped Mr. Drama Queen's remarks,

it very much so put a damper on things.

About the Evil thing,

it's honestly gettin harder and harder to hide the fact I can't stand being here.

Truth: if you ever see my cam disappear, but my mic stay up, it's cause I'm emotional.

I'm really just tryin to stay level headed and get everything together.

Soo.. once again...

Thanks for listening to the rants of Mica..

Love you all :)

I've had a lot of time to think about this. Hell, I've been living it most (if not all) my life. It's amazing what time, faith (if you have it), people, and things in the world can do to bring out the utter best, or the bitter worst inside of you. We all have a choice everyday. To get out of bed, to face another day. To be lazy, or to take the supposed "easy way out." To be charitable, to steal, to kill. So many possibilities, and all come with consequences and rewards. But do we ever know (outside of a few things) which one will come before the deed is done? No. So we take that step forward (or backward), risking minimal or maximum. It's only after we take these risks that we find what we are truly made of.

Myself, personally, I was always afraid of most risks. The fear within stopped me dead in my tracks, and I've missed out on a lot of living because of it. Even the past eleven years of my addiction to self mutilation was a half-assed risk. I never pressed deep enough to do any "real" damage. Just enough to know it did caused something. Just enough to say I did it. I didn't go to parties and get stupid drunk in high school. I didn't smoke all that much, not to call myself a true stoner. Because of these things, amongst others, many have thought of me as 'sheltered,' or just plain stupid. But I'm not.

The last three years have been a battlefield and a half. Between a deadbeat father, family drama, friend drama, suicide attempts (myself and others), losing my grandmother, and broken relationships, I've had enough to last a lifetime. There are so many days when I want to scream until my lungs collapse. There's days when I want to do things unthinkable by most in society. Things I can't even repeat. There are days when I want to take every broken piece of my heart, or my life, and sweep them under a rug, never to remember the story behind them.

But with every bad day, or good day, I know there is a counterpart. A balance. A brighter one, or a darker one. I know that with every person that leaves my life, there will be another to come in. Lately, there have been more in than out. I've met the greatest group of people that I've come into contact with in so long. All walks of life. All different stories. But every single one amazing in their own right. I wouldn't trade them for the world.

If it wasn't for them, the family members that I am close to, the love of my life, and God by my side, in my heart, and in my spirit, I wouldn't be where I am today. I wouldn't have the strength that I do, whether I admit it or not. Everyday is another fight. But I come out swinging, with the gloves off. Because even with the fear, I know there is a risk I must take. I know that I have more things to look forward to. No matter what's happened in the past, good or bad, I feel there is something better. So I fight. With everything that I am, and everything that I have. No matter how hard it may be, or how much life knocks me down, I will never give up.

If you really love someone, or want something in this life. Fight for it. Cause you'll never know the truth until you do.

[[March 25, 2010]]

Ok.. so there's been a lot happening on site (and off) that needs to be addressed... and me being the person I am... I need to handle it. Lately, there's been more and more drama being plastered in the lobby, or being said on social network sites. Granted, we all have our rights to talk about things. HOWEVER, when it affects the chatting of our members, and takes a toll on the room vibe, there has to be something done. Yes, we all have problems, we all have something that we'd probably love to get off our chests. But it doesn't have to be shoved down everyone else's throat or painted up like a billboard.

Seriously. It's creating unnecessary bullshit that myself, the other mods, and the admins have to clean up. We have all talked about this at some point or another amongst ourselves, and the members who witnessed an act of the childish behavior. EVERYONE is in agreement that it's an annoyance. Whether it's about life, or a relationship, or a problem with another chatter, not everyone needs to know. IF there is something going on, you can go to a mod, or an admin, or a trusted friend. We (mods and admins) are here for anyone that needs us, but we can't do our job properly if we aren't given the chance. 

I, myself have been going through a multitude of things since I joined the site. But I have respected myself, the people involved, and the other members by keeping it OUT of the public eye. Do I write blogs every now and then? Yes. But I'm not doing it for pity, or attention, or just to start a big riot. I write my periodical blogs for my own sense of release. 

With this said, keep the personal things PERSONAL, and lets get back to the fun, shall we?

-Mica-

[[The Wicked One]]

What exactly is strength?
And how do we measure it,
Find it,
Believe in it?

Is it in the smiling eyes of an innocent child?

Or the comforting arms of the one we love?
Maybe even the solace inside the permanent ink,
placed with or without meaning on our entities.

How can we hold onto it?

Is it even possible?
Capturing it like a firefly,
just to conceal it in a jar for a later time.

Could it be that the unforgettable past,

that shaped us into the people we are today,
The good and bad corroded memories,
are the key to everything we overcome?

We all are like the Phoenix,

always soaring to new heights,
new destinations,
but finding ourselves blinded by smoke and fire.

But just as the Phoenix did,

we shall,
and we will,
Rise from the flames and beat the struggles of life.

I think about it everyday...

Memories sketched into my mind,

like the graffiti pieces aligning the walls in your room
The life we lived,
flowing through my pulsing veins.

From the first candied kiss to the last,

Each feathery touch against my being,
The whispered "I love you's" between the irises of our eyes,
As we lay intertwined night after night.

The strength of your arms,

Protected me from every childish fear,
Made me weak in the knees,
and I never wanted to let go.

I love(d) your eyes,

Mysteriously brown to the core,
How they stared into everything,
Yet absolutely nothing at the same time.

Watching the beautiful sunsets,

As they became moonlight silhouettes.
Headlights beaming into the highway of the future,
Wind blowing serenity in our faces, knowing that
      it
        was
           OUR
                life.

Nothing and no one can take this away,

the love we built like sandcastles on the beach.
No matter what, I love you,
and you will always be my...
Valentine.

Most little girls had them.

A dollhouse, idolized as their sanctuary.

Hand built and mentally crafted as a fantasy world.
One where deep desires and fairy tale wishes weren't looked down upon.

I used to play religiously.

Sometimes even changing the doll I used, disguising voice dubs,
becoming who I wanted to be at the moment.
In the moment.

Always the same situation.

Ugly duckling turned swan princess, unflawed.
The house was my castle, each room having meaning.
I was untouchable, unbroken, and loved by the most amazing prince.

Fast-forward 13 years...

I'm not the flawless princess, and I'm broken,

But I can't change who I am
My 'prince' lives a fast life, showed me things I never knew of,
and I can still disguise myself at times.

My 'dollhouse' turned out to be a two bedroom apartment,

Straight in the heart of the Sin City.
The hustle and bustle of traffic blaring through the night,
Speeding cars making my fragile heart palpitate in different rhythms.
But the adrenaline rush is amazing.

Each room is special, holding some kind of memory,

Walls whispering sordid stories through the paint and pictures hanging from them.
It is my sanctuary, but no longer a fantasy.
My idolistic views transfered to the gorgeous view I woke up to every morning.

When I think of it,

I feel the inner seven year old child within me,
Driven by pure hope of one day having that world again.
Knowing that no matter how old I am... or where I end up...

The dreams concealed within that dollhouse years ago,

Will always be inside my tainted heart